How To Become A Spinster: An Ultimate Guide To Being An Old Maid
For All The Single Ladies
So, you’re interested in becoming a spinster?
Well, there’s more to it than meets the eye. It’s not only about the lack of a marriage partner. It’s also about saying sayonara to your fucks, embracing authenticity, and living the kind of life you always knew you were meant to lead but were never shown how to live.
Being a spinster means that you’re following in the footsteps of badass women who weren’t afraid to buck oppressive gender norms and forge their own path.
So come along! I’ll show you if you’ve got the right stuff to be a spinster.
First of all, what is a spinster?
That’s a loaded question, and it depends on where you are currently in history. The word has had many iterations across the centuries, and each one came with its own set of misconceptions.
The most common definition of the word is:
An unmarried woman, especially past the common age of marriage.
Oh, is that insanely unhelpful? What is the common age of marriage these days? And what does a woman’s marital status have to do with anything, really? There’s a lot of cultural baggage around the word spinster, and many definitions throughout the years – a legal term, a reason to cast a woman out of society, and a career.
So let’s start there, the history of the word and its many offshoots.
The Original Spinsters
The word spinster was originally a job title and started popping up in the 1300s.
The OG spinsters were women who took raw material like cotton and wool and turned it into thread or yarn that would be weaved into cloth. Way back in the day, cloth was a high-tech material. Cotton, wool, whatever, all of it was hard to come by, hard to produce, and very labor intensive. The people of the past would be appalled (or delighted?) that you can now find high-quality cloth garments literally everywhere for an insanely low price and that we routinely discard them because of small holes and stains.
Anyway, like the good, tool-using monkeys we are, we started to develop technology to make the job of making cloth easier.
Enter the spinning wheel.
Spinster was one of the first work-from-home jobs and allowed women a way to earn money for themselves. Spinning wheels were an attainable purchase that didn’t require giant amounts of capital from men to invest in. And spinning was a job that men didn’t want, so it didn’t make men feel threatened that women were coming for their jobs.
Spinning wasn’t easy or glamorous work, and it didn’t make women rich, but it did make them financially independent, meaning they didn’t have to rely on a man in order to make ends meet. Meaning they could live comfortable lives on their own terms.
Eventually, bigger, faster industrial machines in factories took over making yarn, putting spinsters out of a job – but the term stuck around and was used to describe unmarried women in censuses and legal documents well into the 20th century.
Listen to this episode of The Spinster Life Podcast to learn more about the original spinsters.
Thornback V Spinster
Technically, I’ve been using the word spinster wrong my entire life. Because spinsters are, by another definition, unmarried women under the age of 25. But If you’re anything like me, it’s been over a decade since you were younger than 25. After age 25, a woman becomes an irredeemable thornback.
But why thornback? Women were called thornbacks because of the thornback sea skate, which had, surprise, long thorny spines coming out of its back.
The term thornback is both better and worse than the term spinster. Comparing unmarried women to spiky sea creatures is not a particularly wonderful parallel to draw, but there is something appealing about the image of the unmarried woman with natural protection. Thornback never quite caught on the way that spinster did, even though it’s very fun to say.
There is a real problem with calling a woman anything based on her marital status. The average age that women first get married has been creeping up for decades, so calling a woman who hasn’t married yet by any name other than her given or chosen name seems….premature.
I myself like the term spinster, probably because I like books! When I picture the life of a spinster, I imagine a quiet little cottage with lots of reading nooks, one that is perfectly suited to me. That’s the whole reason I started The Spinster Life; because the term resonates with me and I want to dust it off a bit and update it for our modern times.
But, if you’d rather call yourself a thornback, I fully support you.
Legally, A Spinster
Don’t forget that the term spinster was a legal term found on contracts and in censuses.
After spinning was mechanized and the services of spinsters were no longer needed to make yarn for cloth, the term spinster persevered and was used to identify unmarried women. “But certainly spinster wasn’t used on legal documents in this century?” you may be saying to yourself. And while your outrage and incredulity would be well placed, you would be wrong.
In the UK, in the year 2005, the word spinster was still being used on official documents. Gotta love bureaucracy.
Spinsters on TV, In Books, And in Movies
If you have a vision of a spinster in your head, a withered old woman with a severe bun and even more severe black, high-necked dress, that likely comes from movies, your favorite TV show, or even your favorite Jane Austen novel.
I love entertainment in all forms, but most forms of media rely on stereotypes to tell you all you need to know about a character, especially single women. And stereotypes of single women are not flattering. They run the gamut from sexless matron to oversexed, husband-stealing vixen, if they’re even represented at all.
Older, unmarried women are rarely the protagonist of stories. They are usually side characters brought in for comic relief, who almost never get the screen time or pages to develop into real characters. Like Miss Bates in Emma. Check out my video for my hot take on how Jane Austen wrote spinsters.
How media represents single women is one of the top issues I address using my platform. Here are just a few more things I’ve made that you can listen to or watch that point out how filmmakers and writers can just do better.
Spinsters Today
In the US, and probably worldwide, people are choosing to get married less often, and when they do, they’re marrying later in life. So what even is a spinster anymore if marriage is less important and less valued than it used to be?
Exactly!
Today, spinsters are unmarried women who are dismantling an outdated stereotype by just living our lives.
By thinking deeply about a woman’s role in society.
By questioning what women get out of marriage.
By learning to love ourselves.
By not having shame about “not getting picked.”
By wearing the badge of single lady with honor.
Why should I want to become a spinster?
Yeah, good question. Over the years, spinsters have gotten a bad rap. They’ve been laughed at, cast aside, forgotten about, and ignored (yes, both forgotten about and ignored.)
And for what? For not getting married?
Yes. Because traditionally, a woman’s role is in service of a man. And lots of people can’t get their heads around the notion of a woman serving herself. And because they lack the imagination to envision a world where a woman exists solely for herself, they laugh, deride, and make unmarried women outcasts.
But would a woman even want to get married? Women don’t get a fair deal in many hetero marriages. Division of labor is still unequal, and women still take on the majority of the housework despite also working outside the home. And does getting married make women happier? No!
This often-cited study tells us that unmarried, childfree women are the happiest! Spinsters have more control over every aspect of their lives, disposable income, and free time to pursue their hobbies and interests.
If any of that resonates with you, you might have what it takes to be a spinster.
Benefits of being a spinster
There are many!
Choices, freedom, satisfaction with life, a boost in self-esteem….
I could go on all day. And I have, at length. I’ll link to some of my videos, podcast episodes, and blog posts here.
Videos
Toxic Positivity Is All Around Us (Especially Childfree and Single People)
30 Rock: Is Liz Lemon The Best Representation of Single Women on TV?
Single and 40: Is It Over For Me?
Podcast Episodes
Enjoy Your Solo With Mary Delia Allen
Who Will Take Care of You When You Get Old? Estate Planning With Patricia De Fonte
Blog Posts
Recommitting To Spinsterhood
Being Single Isn’t Something To Survive
Being a spinster is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It’s allowed me the space and time to get to know myself, and to learn what I need from life, from a partner, and from the other relationships in my life.
But, don’t take my word for it! I encourage you to try being a spinster and see the benefits for yourself.
Drawbacks of Being a Spinster
Almost none!
And most of them are the same drawbacks of being a person in the world. Bills, chores, all that annoying life stuff. But, as a spinster, you have to do those things for yourself by yourself. Seriously, the singles tax is a real thing. Singles pay more for housing, services like gym memberships, and also taxes!
You can read my blog post about the singles tax here.
And yes, sometimes it’s nice to be able to divide and conquer things like bills and chores.
But, as a spinster, you ONLY have to do those things for yourself. You don’t have to clean up after anyone, check with anyone what they want for dinner, or consult with anyone before you make a big financial decision.
And don’t think that there are life experiences that are off-limits to you if you’re single. If you are unmarried but want to be married, you shouldn’t let it hold you back. Anything you think you need to have a partner to do, you can do it on your own.
Buy a house.
Have a kid.
Travel the world.
Whatever your goal is, just do it!
What about kids?
What about them? I myself don’t think about kids very much. That is because I am a childfree spinster. I find kids loud, messy, draining, and generally unpleasant to be around. But that’s just me. There are plenty of spinster-identifying individuals who love children. There are single moms by choice, women who wanted children and didn’t wait around for a partner to make the family of their dreams.
And as much as I don’t want kids, I salute single moms by choice! Making your dreams come true on your own terms is spinster as fuck!
How To Spinster
Now you know more about being a spinster, how do you go about spinstering in the real world? Any damn way you want! I’m not here to be just another voice telling you how to live your life. But, I do have some handy tips that will make it easier to proudly call yourself spinster.
Common Things You Will Hear As A Spinster (And What to Say)
Even if your opinion on being single is “it’s great!” expect to hear from people who disagree with you and will insist that you need a husband (and/or a baby) in order to truly be happy.
Don’t get me wrong, you do not have to defend your life choices to anyone or educate anyone that you are single and happy about it. But when you push back against their preconceived notions about single women you can not only avoid any future conversations about your marital status, but you can also help them make a different choice the next time they want to tell an unmarried single woman she should be married.
Your response to these kinds of comments can range from sassy, angry, or educational, to calm and collected, to no comments at all, to just walking away. It’s up to you! If you think the person you’re talking to is open and receptive to considering a different perspective, be honest with them. But if you’ve been having the same conversation for the past ten years to no avail, feel free to walk away.
What you might hear: “You’re not married? But you’re so pretty!”
What you can say: “I AM very pretty.” Or “That’s very looksist of you.” Or “What’s that got to do with literally anything?”
What you might hear: “You are such a catch! I can’t imagine why no one has picked you yet!”
What you can say: “I AM a catch!” Or “What makes you think that no one has “picked me”? Maybe they did and I said no?” Or “I’m not sitting around waiting for anyone to “pick me.”
What you might hear: “This independent single lady thing was cute when you were younger. Don’t you think it’s time for you to get serious and settle down?”
What you can say: “That is a very rude, presumptuous thing to say to another human being.” Or “This rude, “too real” bit was cute when you were younger. Don’t you think it’s time for you to stop judging other people and learn to keep your thoughts to yourself?”
What you might hear: “I can’t believe you’re still single. Have you met my bartender’s stepbrother’s friend Zach? He’s single too. You two would hit it off, I just know it!”
What you can say: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not looking for anyone to date right now.” Or “No thank you, I can find my own dates.” or “No Thank you, I’m not single because I can’t find anyone to date. I’m single because I’ve chosen to be single and I’m very happy being single.”
What you might hear: “Just settle, you’re never going to find someone who’s perfect.”
What you can say: “Why should I settle just to conform to your idea of what a woman should be?” Or “It sounds like you feel like you settled. I won’t tell your spouse that you feel that way.” Or “No one is perfect, but no one should settle.”
What you might hear: “You’d better hurry up and get married so you can start a family. You’re not getting any younger!”
What you can say: “ Women don’t have expiration dates.” Or “While I won’t argue that fertility is tied to age for both men and women if I’m ever concerned about my fertility, I will talk to my doctor and not you.”
You can read my blog post all about the shit that married people say here.
How To Dress Like A Spinster
Contrary to popular perception, there is no spinster uniform. You do not need to “dress your age” or cover yourself up in shame. As a spinster, you can wear whatever feels comfortable, whatever makes you feel like a divine goddess.
For example, I like a nice pair of trousers or a white button-down shirt. But you do you. Wear the clothes that make you feel free and fun, like the best version of yourself.
One thing spinsters should never wear is a trend for trend’s sake. I mean, no one should wear trendy clothing that they don’t really like just because it’s popular. So fuck off Gen Z! We’re gonna wear skinny jeans and part our hair in whichever direction we like because we like it!!
How to Speak Like A Spinster
There is a wide range of languages and dialects that spinsters speak. And to be a spinster, you don’t have to change any of that. In fact, please don’t! Don’t change anything about yourself, you’re perfect!
But for real, there is no spinster language. You don’t have to adopt any new words in order to speak like a spinster because as a spinster, it’s more about the words that you should eliminate from your vocabulary.
Here’s what you DON’T need to say anymore.
No more apologies.
No more self-deprecating comments about not having a plus one to your cousin’s wedding.
No more backstories about why you’re saying ‘no’. “No” is a full sentence, it doesn’t need a disclaimer.
Being a spinster means you know yourself well enough to know what you need, what you truly value, and where your boundaries lay.
How To Think Like A Spinster
The most important skill that any spinster has to master – learning how to think for yourself.
Easier said than done, I know.
We’ve all been programmed with beliefs about our personal value based on our looks, relationship status, and age. Examining these beliefs and learning where they come from and what we truly believe is a lifelong process. But, once you’ve learned how to look deeper at your own worldview of single women, you’ll be able to form more of your own ideas and change how you interact with the world around you.
Famous Spinsters
You are not the first spinster to spinster. There are so many notable women from history who have come before and made real, lasting change in the world.
Here are a few I’ve covered on the podcast
And remember, spinsters don’t have to be famous to learn from or to add value to the world. Look around you. There are spinsters who aren’t household names all around you, living their best life and demonstrating how to spinster.
What Do Spinsters Do
Whatever the fuck they want!
That’s the best part about being a spinster. It’s not only true that you can set your schedule as you please without having to check with your partner. Also, as a spinster, you’ve had some training in learning how to ignore what other people think and make life choices that make you the happiest.
For Fun
What do you like to do for fun? Oh really??
Then that’s exactly what spinsters do for fun, the things you already to for fun now! Spinsters often have more time, resources and more emotional energy to do things they find fun.
Contrary to popular opinion, not all spinsters like knitting and reading. Some do, and that’s great. But they don’t like those things because they are single. They like those things because they have a genuine interest in them.
That’s the thing about spinsterhood. It’s all about authenticity, and embracing the things that make you feel alive, and not about fulfilling some stereotype.
Is there some kind of initiation ritual or membership fee?
No. Not yet anyway. If you want to support spinster-themed content like this you certainly can by supporting me. Supporting independent creators is very spinster. Loving the single life isn’t a mainstream topic quite yet. We’re making headway.
Sign up for my Substack newsletter and tell a friend about The Spinster Life!
What if I want to get married someday?
Sure, go for it. You don’t have to be a spinster for life. We encourage you to celebrate the possibility of being a spinster forever, but it’s not a requirement to become a spinster. And if you do get married, you won’t get married just because it’s “what everyone does,” you’ll walk down the aisle because it adds to your life.
Reclaiming The Word Spinster
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! You’re well on your way to reclaiming the word spinster, taking it from the mouths of people who would say it to wound single women and wearing it as a badge of honor.
Do you have what it takes to spinster?
If you value your own boundaries, want to change stereotypical roles for women, and want to explore a different life path than the typical house and spouse path, then you have what it takes to spinster!
But there’s one more thing I need you to do. Spread the word about The Spinster Life! Yes, I know I already asked, but I’m dead serious. The world is a better place with independent content creators in it and I’m proud to be one of them. But we rely on the kindness of strangers to keep creating.
So please follow The Spinster Life on Instagram, YouTube, or on Substack. Listen to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Like, comment, and review wherever you can. And tell a friend or two about us! Every little bit helps to get the word out about the joy and beauty of the single life!