I Am Both Childfree And A Spinster
As a multifaceted human being, I explore two movements I'm proud to be a part of.
In this edition, I explore my complicated feelings about the childfree movement and becoming a spinster. How have these two things shaped me? And how have they shaped my online identity?
Inside This Edition Of The Spinster Life Newsletter
Blog Post: The Childfree Movement Is Having a Moment
From The Desk Of A Spinster
Present and Future: Latest Releases and What’s Coming Out Soon
Blog Post: The Childfree Movement Is Having A Moment
As a member of both the childfree and single communities, I’ve noticed a surge of forward momentum in the childfree movement. What is behind this phenomenon?
On my YouTube Channel, I make videos about my single experience. AND about being childfree. My single videos are watched by a small but mighty community, but my videos about being childfree KILL.
If I were smart, I would pivot to only making childfree content. But I’m not. I’m stubborn as fuck.
I’m a little downhearted that my content about single people isn’t reaching as big of an audience as my childfree content. I started The Spinster Life as a way to explore my new thoughts about being single. While I identify as childfree, I didn’t come into the community directly.
Don’t get me wrong. I am here for the childfree success! I’m glad that message is reaching people and changing lives. I have a theory about why the childfree movement seems so important right now, and it has to do with control.
I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the overturn of Roe. Funnily enough, when you take away a constitutional right to power over people’s bodies, people react, and not with gratitude.
Declaring yourself childfree is one way to take back control the Supreme court took away from us. When the choice is between forced birth and being childfree, being childfree looks like the best option.
Declaring yourself childfree is a firm boundary in a way that declaring yourself single will likely never be. It’s much harder to swear off love forever and to vow to be permanently single. I can’t even say that I will be single forever as I discussed with Lucy from Spinssteroood Reimagined in our crossover episode.
While you can waffle between wanting children and not throughout your life, once you have a child, you can never be childfree again. You cannot suddenly become childfree just because you are bored in the relationship with your child. If you and your child have grown apart, you’re stuck.
While you absolutely can waffle between being a happy single and wanting a relationship. You can even be content with being single and looking for a relationship at the same time!
The childfree success might be due to a wider audience. You might assume that the childfree and spinster communities are one and the same. And yes, some spinsters are childfree, but not all childfree people are spinsters. On the childfree side, there are DINKS (Dual Income No Kids) power couples who promote the childfree lifestyle by showing the adventures that disposable income can fund.
And there are childfree people on dating apps like Elite Singles who are looking for their childfree soulmate to raise some dogs with.
And on the spinster side, we have single moms by choice who are creating the family of their dreams by themselves.
If you love content about the childfree community, check out the single lady creators! Our message aligns perfectly with the childfree movement. Just like childfree people are offering an alternative vision of what a full life looks like, so are the single ladies!
We’re all out here together, both single and childfree, bucking tradition and showing that the “nuclear family” isn’t the only way to live in the world. So even if you’re in a relationship, check out some of the single lady creators. You just might learn something.
Here are some of my favorites:
Shani Silver
From The Desk Of A Spinster
You’ve heard of the confirmed bachelor, also known as the eligible bachelor. He’s got a great public image. He’s an eligible single man who has never married. He’s intriguing and mysterious. Who will be the lucky woman to tame him and convert him from his bachelor ways? The bachelor is carefree, free-wheeling. He comes and goes as he pleases, like a stray cat.
There is no analog for bachelor for spinsters. No one says “confirmed spinster.” Spinsters have a truly abominable image. Dry, grey, bitter, discarded. There is no redemption for the spinster. She is a lost cause.
Unlike freewheeling bachelors, spinsters are sedentary. Spinsters aren’t out and about, they become recluses that stay locked in their dilapidated houses tending to their herd of cats.
And why is this? Why are bachelors glorified and spinsters are not? If spinsters get hate, ridicule, and revulsion, why don’t we treat men who opt out of marriage the same way?
The origins of the words bachelor and spinster go back to the 13th Century. A bachelor was originally what a young knight was called. A bachelor was a man without means, but the word has never had a negative connotation.
While spinster started off as quite a neutral word, it was never an amazing thing to be. Back when spinsters were just women whose job it was to spin raw materials into thread, spinsters were often lower class, lower-paid jobs. Listen to this episode of the podcast to learn more about the spinsters.
And for the next 400 years or so, spinster was just a word that was used on legal documents for single women.
It wasn’t until the time of Jane Austen's novels that spinsters became the pitiable figures they are today. Even though her novels reflected the times she was living in, we can blame her and her gossipy ilk just a little bit for perpetuating the portrayal of the downfall of the word spinster into a term of derision.
And it continues today, there is still the stereotype of the sad, lonely spinster who lives a lonely life, envious of all of the married women and happy families she sees. While the bachelor still enjoys his image of a catch. Because there is no age beyond which a man typically marries. If he’s single, he’s available, eligible, and desirable.
Whereas women are given an expiration date. If they’re not married before they’re 25, they can just be discarded, like a yogurt that’s been sitting in the back of the fridge for four months. It’s a not-so-clever way to control women. In a marriage, the woman could be controlled by her husband. If a woman was unmarried, she could be controlled by the combined fury and disdain at her flaunting of societal expectations.
So I’m coming out as an eligible, confirmed spinster. I’m rehabilitating spinster, rescuing it from the waste bin of history. Let’s make spinsters and bachelors equal in the eyes of society. Let’s all speculate on what lucky person will land a fantastic spinster.
Up And Coming
📹 Coming up on the YouTube channel! More childfree videos and some videos about my upcoming 41st birthday!
🎧 I just unveiled a new way to listen to the podcast. If you’re already subscribed to the newsletter, you may have noticed that I switched podcast hosts, and that new podcast episodes are available on my Substack feed!
That means you’ll be among the first to know when new episodes come out. If you already listen to the podcast on your podcast player of choice, whether that’s Apple Podcasts or Spotify, you’ll still be able to listen there.
👯♀️ I don’t talk about my small business on this platform very often. But I have something great to share! I started a coworking group and I’d love for you to join. Every Monday at 10 am PDT I’ll be hosting a content writing coworking session. If you’ve got a blog post to finish, a YouTube script that you’ve been putting off writing, or if you’re short on your social media captions, I give you the time to get shit done! Join the group on LinkedIn and stay updated about the next meeting.
🗞 And…the newsletter will now be published twice a month. Sure you’ll be seeing me in your inbox a bit less, but what you do see will be better than ever. Thanks so much for your support.
🙏 And finally, speaking of support, thank you for yours! I recently reached 500 subscribers on both Instagram and YouTube and I couldn’t be more thrilled! If you want to help support The Spinster Life, forward this to a friend. My next goal is to get my Substack subscribers to the same level.